fourty blocks - my wasted youth

Past thoughts today

2010-05-10T15:27:00.001-05:00

Just because I haven't blogged in over a year doesn't mean I stopped writing completely. I wrote the following couple paragraphs about 10 months ago while contemplating my depression...

The sun beats down on me as I drift ever so slowly down the river. I feel it warm my body as the rays are absorbed into my flesh. It watches as I move and guides me to whatever lies at the mouth of the waters. I can look into the light without shading my eyes and there is neither pain nor damage being done. It is as if I can breathe in the sun’s rays and they alone will sustain me. The sound and motion of the water is calming like a mother gently rocking her child to sleep. A light breeze kisses a soft mist onto my skin and there is a feeling of total security. My raft, a sturdy craft that will never fail me in this place, moves with the current as if an invisible hand slowly guides it along its path. I feel everything; my nerves sense the lightest changes in the wide open world that surrounds me. The river is calm deep within the ravine it has carved in the earth’s surface over many millennia. With the sun above me I can see every fine detail etched into the rock as if by thousands of masons; no detail left untouched, ever minor scratch has its purpose in this natural art. Every color visible to the human eye make up my surroundings, it is a picture created by the world’s oldest and greatest artist.

I blink and my world collapses.

The sun in an instant has vanished and the day has turned black. The warmth has left and after only a second; I cannot even begin to remember how it felt. No longer can I see the river before me; my path has vanished as I begin to careen faster into a deep abyss. My senses are over taken by the crashing storm. Lightning flashes faster than I can count and silhouettes the gagged canyon that has become my cage. My eyes are pained but I cannot close them; every strike rips deeper and deeper in to my skull. I scream. I scream so loud that my throat begins to go numb and my vocal cords cry to be silenced. As loud as I yell to be release from this place my ears ring only with the sound of the thunder and despair rolls over me knowing I will never be heard. The river is against me. What was once a calm rippling brook is now a violent cascading channel of blistering cold water. My raft is no longer a vessel of my salvation. The rapids have all but destroyed her and I am left to cling helplessly on to what small pieces remain. The current pulls me faster and faster in to what can only be deeper into the storm. I struggle to stay afloat while my legs and arms quickly lose their ability to support me. When the icy water is not hitting my face tears sting my eyes. I swallow the toxic water by the mouth-full wondering what why I shouldn’t simply let go. My nerves are raw and it is as if there are thousands of knives slowly penetrating my skin. The world of light and warmth feels like a different life, one that shall never return.

Finally, a Matt Good show!

2010-05-01T13:37:00.001-05:00

over a year

2010-04-25T03:16:00.003-05:00

Sitting looking at the blogger logo makes me think of the past, something I try to do as little as possible. I know that no one comes here anymore and maybe that's what I want. I need to write more. I have an urge to write more. I have been told to write more. When this started it was what(?) almost 5 years ago. My god, that seems like a different life, a different personality.

I live in a different state. Not just geographically but psychologically and emotionally. I have hit a wall. I have admitted to my faults and decided to fix (not change) them.

In the following posts (granted that this isn't my last) I will attempt to recall my last year as well as tell the store of my present as I go through what I can only hope will be a change in psyche.

Rake

2009-04-06T13:42:00.002-05:00

I've checked out. Three more months until I leave and I've already stopped caring about most of this shit around here. To most of my friends I appear as an asshole which is probably true. I go to bed when the sun goes down. I keep my door close both literally and figuratively. I couldn't care less about what my friends think of me anymore and its liberating .

On a more positive note I recently picked up a copy of The Decemberists new album The Hazards of Love and loved it. While some would lay claim that it's not their best it's still totally original and a beautiful work of art. And as with all new album I get I've been listening to it constantly.

2009-03-19T11:58:00.002-06:00

The Saturday following my final day as an undergraduate is the graduation ceremony but I don't think I'll attend. It's really only a formality, I actually get my diploma in the mail about a month later. I'm not one for added attention, and I don't like events planned around myself. Birthday parties, graduation parties, any other individual specialties that put me at the center are mostly a waste. I don't enjoy being the center of attention. Then again this web-log is a devotion to my own selfcenteredness...

I stay in a lot these days, no more trips to the pub. The cold Wisconsin winter and my own short comings had caused me to be rather careless in the previous months. I'd go to the bar and have a drink, then another, then a couple more and as most drunks do thought it would be ok to drive home. Nothing bad had ever happened but looking back I would kick my own ass for having attempted such a foolish, not to mention careless, feat. There were even times where I would drink alone at home and the drive to t-bell for a midnight drunken treat. I haven't had a drink in about a month now and it feels so good to once again have a clear head on my shoulders.

Biological and cultural consequences

2009-03-16T07:07:00.002-06:00

In the past two months I've

Consumed more alcohol than I had thought possible
Quit drinking
Started smoking
Quit smoking
Abandoned most of my friends in one way or another
Missed having pets
Consumed massive amounts of coffee
Constantly daydreamed of being done with my bachelors degree
Daydreamed of July when I make my move to Phoenix
Worked full time while trying to go to school full time
Realized I'm making about half as much as my coworkers while being praised for doing a better job and asked to show people who make more than I do how to do as well as myself
Found out that I have to pay hundreds in federal back-taxes
Started donating plasma (donating for about $250/month)
Was rejected at the bars before a single word was said
Stopped going to to bars
Cursed the cold gray days and the weather's inability to make up its mind
Discovered Craigslist
Ignored blogging

About time

2009-01-24T21:07:00.005-06:00

Obama's new economic/ecological plan is probably the coolest piece of political/economic news I have ever read. It is a good time to be a sociology major.

That gives me hope; this depresses me.

2009-01-09T14:21:00.003-06:00

Looking at photos from years ago makes me feel old. The memories are still more than vivid and I often feel that if I think about them hard enough that I could go back and relive them.

Come August I'll be moving to Arizona where I have a place to live and a job pretty much all lined up. My impatience is already getting the best of me and I still have one more semester of classes to push through. In the coming months I have to get my portfolio all in order to submit to ASU to apply for their graduate program. I meet their qualifications but there is still the whole application process to go through. I have to do my best to keep myself from doing anything stupid like falling in love or anything else that might keep me from going. Moving is a huge opportunity and I don't want to fuck that up.

I have a new laptop and while I say this all the time; maybe now I'll be able to blog and write more often. But who knows?

2009-01-07T01:50:00.002-06:00

Its all I have to say for now.

2008-12-11T09:51:00.003-06:00

Twenty minutes ago I finished the toughest semester in my college career and I couldn't feel better. I now have six weeks of vacation before the start of my last semester and no idea how to spend the time.

Over a month from my last post and that's all I have for you...

naked and cold

2008-10-23T16:55:00.004-05:00

This is just one of several videos from the other night. I have little to no real memory of any of it happening but the videos, pictures, and testimonies from the several witnesses say it all. I was out side for a little over an hour completely naked and didn't end up in a jail cell. At one point I "ran into" a couple girls I work with on their way home.

what i do

2008-10-21T07:19:00.001-05:00

I woke up with a hangover and this was on my camera...

...I'm working on uploading the videos of me running around naked.

testing

2008-10-09T11:31:00.004-05:00

I'm working on pod casting... I'm not sure if I'm going to be doing on here or starting up a whole new site. This is just a test... so don't get pissed.

Bags

2008-09-18T09:48:00.002-05:00

No longer will I get stupid wall posts from people I haven't seen in years and have no real desire to ask 'how I've been'. No longer will I get invites to parties I have attend anyways due to work. No longer will aimlessly waste what little time I have during the day seeing what people I can care less about are doing hour by hour. No longer will I subscribe to Facebook.

I've deleted my Facebook account. For those of you reading this, you are not the one's I make mention to in the previously poorly written self-righteous paragraph.

In the height of my maleness, last week I got drunk and ended up having a one-night-stand with a girl I met at the club I work at. I had seen her there once before and slightly flirted, a skill I'm greatly lacking in. She's very pretty which in my state of self-loathing caused my to wonder why she was even talking to me. One of my coworkers told me she had a kid a while back. This tends to happen to me, I meet and talk to girls who have some sort of baggage, and what's more baggage than a kid on your hip? A few drink in me and this little baggage thing was no longer an issue.

It wasn't my best performance and I'll gladly admit that. I was exhausted from being up nearly 24 hours and on top of it I was coming down from my intoxicated state and was feeling hungover. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and my whole body was in agreement with that. Just for the record, I wasn't the only one in the room that wasn't playing up to par. After about 45 minutes of a poor performance on both our parts, I left.
As for the new job. I'm a sales associate in home theater for a big box store which shale remain nameless (as if you can tell). I'm off to a slow start and I'm not used to working for such a corporate place where rules must be followed to the letter. In the past I've been more prone to simply do things my own way and as long as the job got done there wasn't a problem. Not so much anymore.

I actually know nothing about home theater. When I went in for the interview with the GM he asked where I would like to work and as I was drawing a total blank I blurted out 'home theater' and sure enough there was an opening. I'm still at my job at the club and the one on campus which leaves very little free time but that's how I like it.

new

2008-09-10T09:30:00.003-05:00

New car, new job, new house, new year.

I'm working 3 jobs and going to school right now which is what I'm using to justify my absence.

one subject

2008-08-07T12:17:00.002-05:00

I'm away for a while. It feels like I've been gone for a long time.

I have no internet at my apartment right now because I'll be moving in a couple weeks and all the assholes around me made there internet connections secure so I can't mooch off anyone else.

In about 30 minutes I have to stand up in front of the class and discuss the social psychological experiment that I did. I didn't do one.

Writing here is getting harder every time. What to say, what not to say, who will read it, who wont.

I'm away for a while.

bells

2008-07-09T09:54:00.005-05:00

Like usual after a long time of most posting I'm going to make excuses for my absence.

On top of working over 40 hours a week I've been taking summer classes in an attempt to graduate early. For the past 4 weeks I've had straight 4 hours of social statistics every day Monday through Thursday.

Last weekend my brother got married and we spent Thursday night in Chicago getting hammered. After an excessive amount of vodka I have no idea how much fun I had but from what I'm told it was a good time.

Nate: "How did we get back to the hotel last night?"
Quinn: "Uhh we took a taxi after we went down to the river."
Nate: "A taxi? We went down to the river?"
Quinn: "Yea..."
Nate: "Why am I only in my boxers...?"

I've been dating the girl from work for a while now and we've managed to keep it on the DL at work but more and more people are asking about us. She left her girlfriend for me and things have been going really well.

I could say more, but I don't feel like it... so here are some of the wedding photos I took.

nerves

2008-06-05T07:03:00.002-05:00

I'm up early and can't get back to sleep. It's been happening a lot lately.

We were walking to my car. It was roughly 2am. She was in her red dress, I was dressed all in black as a I usually do. She was telling me about her recent vacation out west, I was doing my best to pretend there weren't other things on my mind. She's nervous around me, I am around her as well. I'd been putting it off for weeks, over-thinking, getting nervous. I was tired but in a good mood. I stop short of the car and turned around to face her. I pulled her in close and without putting too much thought into it kissed her the way I had wanted to ever since I first saw her. It was a long time coming and we both new it. She was shaking, (I know because she told me) it wasn't cold out, it was nerves. She kissed me back. Work should be interesting from now on.

I didn't sleep much that night either.

hardwired to conceive

2008-05-20T11:38:00.000-05:00

I've been spending more of my time around work these days. Mainly to spend time with her. We have a blast together; she is always smiling and laughing, telling me how fun I am. I ensured her that after a while my little witticisms get old but she doesn't believe me.
Last night was my first volleyball game of the summer. I'm playing in a bar league which means its about 30% volleyball and 70% drinking. We lost this first one. I gave up quite a few points but had fun doing it. In a moment of drunken enlightenment and after several failed attempts at thinking of a team name I wrote TBA on our sheet and handed it in. The name stayed.
It's about 20 degrees colder that is should be for this time of the year.

Why you aint

2008-05-14T20:14:00.003-05:00

Much has happened in the last 6 weeks but I'm not sure how much of it is worth talking about. Currently I'm looking through other blogs thinking wow, so everyone is a photographer now?

I haven't been online for personal reasons in well over a month, no blogs, no instant messages, facebook is a joke, etc.

I'm at my campus job right now. They think I'm studying, but I've given up on that. I know what I know. For the first semester ever I had classes that I've kept up perfect attendance, I don't need to study. I'm getting paid to sit and write.

As much as I enjoy to write, when I blog I have very little to say. I've considered getting a small tape recorder so I can just talk and transcribe it at a later date.

There is a new girl in my life. A co-worker at the club. She wants me and I want her but there is a slight complication in that she has a girlfriend. Several months ago she came in for the first time as a customer wearing a vintage batman t-shirt, blue tights, red boots and a piercing in her nose; I was immediately intrigued. I happen to be a sucker for the 'alternative' look as some would call it.

I got a tattoo about a month ago. It's addictive because now I just want more and more.

Monday night is the first game for my bar league volleyball team and I'm very excited. I've spent the last 4 months getting in shape and now I'm going to try to put it to use

It has been over 5 months since I quit smoking. As the weather gets nicer the cravings get worse. I've had periods of quitting before; none this long.

There is a girl sitting on the floor in front of me wearing short shorts and a shirt that her boobs are about to pop out of. She's sitting legs spread with a laptop in between them. All the time I'm thinking I'm getting paid to do this right now.

I read Dr. Bill Cosby's speech he gave at the 50th anniversary of Brown vs the Board of Education the other day. It was one of the best and most honest speeches I've ever had the privilege to read. Some call it controversial, and it is, but it is things that needed to be said and who better than Bill Cosby. I wont go into what it's about, you can read it for yourself.

I live

2008-05-14T00:09:00.001-05:00

I live.

More later.

cave

2008-04-02T15:24:00.003-06:00

I'm taking a bit of a break from writing, as if that hasn't been apparent to most. A large chunk of my time is spent in text books and papers, and will likely remain that way for the next 6 weeks. I recently kicked ass on an exam to boost my grade 10% so to celebrate I went out to the bars for a couple hours last night and ended up having a few more than I wanted. Regardless it was a fun night followed by about 10 hours of well deserved sleep.

A good friend of mine and coworker recently got fired and has been a bit of a headache for me. She was helping me on a project and today e-mailed me saying she can no longer help me out. Terrific.

I'll be taking classes this summer in an attempt to get out of school a bit earlier than scheduled. A couple classes I need are being offered including one that required for my major and seeing is that I would be doing much other than work this summer I may as well fill my time with something productive.

The sun is out and my windows are open. Nice weather is sure taking its sweet time getting here this year.

upward mobility

2008-03-19T15:01:00.005-06:00

One day away from the start of my spring break and I've unfortunately already mentally checked out. Unfortunate because I have an exam tomorrow morning and no desire to study for it. The thought of having three days with no school and no work is dancing around in my head. So much can potentially be done in three days; people seen, alcohol consumed, projects ignored, much needed sleep, etc.

Monday was Saint Patty's Day which went over quite well. I have a nasty habit of spending money when I go out drinking, most of it isn't even on myself. I run into someone I know, buy them a drink, go out with friends, buy rounds, see people I haven't seen in nearly half a decade, buy them a drink. For every drink there is a nice tip to the bar. It's a karma thing really.
I never ended up going out to Vagas, wedding plans we're changed. My brother is now getting married much closer to home in a couple months. It's good really, Vagas wasn't my first choice for a vacation place anyways. If things keep going as good as they have been I'll be able to take a trip for a week or two this summer. Vancouver would be my ideal place to visit. Summer while getting close is still too far away for me to start making plans. I know how quickly situations can change and extended planning isn't always for the best.

After spring break there is less than two months left before school lets out. It couldn't come sooner. Days with nothing to do but lay in the sun, grill out, play catch, and swim are on the horizon.

*edit* Immediately after posting this I checked my e-mails only to find that my test has now been pushed back to after spring break. My break starts as of this very moment.

tone

2008-03-12T20:48:00.002-06:00

It has been a busy couple weeks. The only real time I spend at my computer with when I'm pumping out a sociology paper like I should be doing right now. Another percentage of my time is spent at the fitness center working out; which has been paying off quite well. I let myself go a little bit in the past year, but I've got it all back and then some.

I'm bar tending a lot more these days as well which makes taking weeks off a huge opportunity loss. This weekend I made more money in five hours than I would in a whole month at my other on-campus job (roughly 30 hours worth of work) . The club has started to pick up a lot, especially Saturday nights. We've been getting huge crowds of Asians coming in and they're an absolute blast to serve.

After this week my time should loosen up. The following week is my spring break which I've decided I wasn't going to work during that few days. I need that time to recover for the last few hellish weeks, time to sleep, time to drink, time to just relax.

made of ashes

2008-02-29T16:49:00.004-06:00

Half way through the 90 minute test and the coffee had caught up with me. Five more essays to write and all I could think about is how badly I had to go to the bathroom. I asked to leave, I was denied. I didn't finish in the given amount of time but neither did most of the class. Looking back I wonder what the professor would have done if I would have just sat there and pissed myself.

A couple nights before my exams I went out to the bars with a couple of friends, one of which being my manager. I hadn't intended on drinking a lot so I went with the top shelf vodkas for the most part. Not a lot turned into too much before I knew it. By then end of the night I had burned a large hole in my wallet; figuratively speaking. It all paid off in the morning when I found out that high-end liquor doesn't cause hangovers, in fact I felt great in the morning.

For the past several weeks I've been in pain, but a good pain. I've started working out regularly with a friend of mine. We go to the fitness center 5-6 times a weeks for an hour each time. The first week killed me. Unlike my previous attempts to work out where little progress was made I can actually see and feel the effects this time. The friend who I work out with is a former college football player who knows the proper way to do all the exercises and also pushes me to go beyond my own limits. We rotate between upper and lower body workouts every other day. There were days I felt like walking across the room would kill me.

Odalisque

2008-02-19T18:34:00.004-06:00

Her clothes left little to the imagination. Her heals allowed us to meet eye to eye. She dance for me as if there was no one else there. People were watching her, watching us, but it didn't matter. Looking as sexy as she was should have been a crime. She pressed herself on me, completely aware what she's doing. Others try to dance with her but she just walks back over by me. She pretends to trip in her heals so I catch her, it works. Someone this gorgeous should not be paying such attention to me. We met months ago. The only thing we have in common is a mutual lust, it's all we really need.

caring is creepy

2008-02-10T13:21:00.001-06:00

It's weekends like this one that keep me going. I work nearly every weekend so unlike most college people I don't go out to parties or to the bars to get shit faced. It was an awesome weekend up at work because now that the manager is making the work schedules instead of the owners I get weekends behind the bar where the mad cash is.

08 has so far been a year of change for me. I've deleted some aspects from my past; people, habits, mentalities, etc. All were things I deemed bad for me either physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. In fact, it has been over a month now since my last cigarette and I've even been able to resists the urge to smoke when I'm out at the bars.

nude

2008-02-08T14:32:00.000-06:00

School is in full swing again. To make up for semesters of slacking off I've loaded up on upper level classes all within my major.

Social Ecology
Collective Behaviors and Social Movements
Rural Sociology
Social Research
Social Population Problems

It'll be an interesting few months.

My 21st went off without a hitch and from what I can actually remember from the night I had a blast. The last couple hours of the night never entered my consciousness. It's not one of those times where I have vague recollections of what transpired but instead I have absolutely no idea what happened. Where we went, what I drank, who I hit on, how I got home... other than what I've been told and photos from the night, I have no idea.

I woke up on my couch, my head pounding and stomach angry with me. My phone was ringing and beeping what seemed like miles away. I didn't bother to answer it or check my messages. I could barely keep my eyes open without the fear of my head exploding and making a mess all over our living room. All-n-all it was a good night.

21

2008-02-03T17:09:00.001-06:00

Oh no, thank you

2008-01-25T16:20:00.001-06:00

I think I get writers block when I sit down to blog simply because there is so much to be said lately.

The other night I went and saw Juno with one of the neighbor girls. I'm not a movie critic so all I'll say is that I thought it was a great movie and totally worth seeing.
9 months of working at the club and they've already given me keys to the place. This was cause for some dispute between some of the other workers who have been there a hell of a lot longer than I and have nothing to show for it.

If I weren't in a rush to get to work right now I would continue on.

Saline tea

2008-01-23T17:15:00.000-06:00

It has been roughly 2 weeks now since I've quit smoking. It'll take a tremendous amount of willpower not to smoke when I'm out at the bars drinking but I'm confident it can be done.

Three times this weekend I was involved in confrontations at the night club I work at. I've become very adept at doing my job and dealing with unruly customers but normally they are intoxicated when I do and can't be fully to blame for the way they act. It's when I have to deal with sober customers that I get in the most trouble and cops get involved. I'm not the biggest guy working there so when I have to deal with people they think getting in my face will intimate me, but I never back down and I don't give them an inch. I started wearing a tie to work until I found out that not only does it make me look good but it also acts as a convenient noose.

January has been a good month for me. I'm happier and more relaxed than I have been in a very long time. I'm always busy or at least occupied by something or someone lately which explains my lack of blogging. It's a little more than a week until my 21st and I took a couple days off work in preparation.

Change of season

2008-01-13T13:47:00.001-06:00

I feel renewed; at ease. I'm the zen master. New prospects new goals, some less noble than others.

I've broken some rules of blogging. People who I know in my day to day life still come and read what little I have to write these past few weeks and it's been a cause for me to edit myself. Many new developments and stories go untold, but it's probably for the best. Thoughts of the new people in my life are on my mind more and more and even my dreams don't cause me to wake up feeling as though I've been kicked in the gut. People have been surprising me as well as disappointing me.

Life has been a pattern and I feel like I've broken it, it's liberating.

We do it to ourselves

2008-01-04T12:47:00.001-06:00

08 started with me getting covertly drunk at work. Senior bar staff was slipping me drinks in red bull cans and giving me the occasional shot when I would come around to their bars. At the end of the night we were all told we were allowed two drinks but I was already so drunk I only took one.

Tonight one of the senior bartenders is getting fired for stealing from the bar and her coworkers tips. She has been there for over 12 years so I'm anxious to see how it goes. Her cousin who also works there will likely be leaving alone with her and this is very good news to me. With two of our bartenders leaving and one of them being senior staff I'll be put in their place and be back behind the bar again where the real money is.

07 was a slow year for blogging. I got caught up in a low of things, was away from the internet for months at a time, and really just didn't feel like writing a lot of the time. whether or not 08 is going to be any different in those terms I have no idea. I have a good feeling about 08. 07 was a up and down game. I started low, hit the highest high I've ever been, then came crashing down. If I could just find a nice constant I'd be happy.

2007-12-26T12:27:00.001-06:00

Lots of good things came out of Christmas this year. First off, the reason for the joy I mentioned in the last post. My brother Jake is getting married. Second, I'll likely be flying out of Las Vagas in February to attend his bachelor party.

Seeds

2007-12-24T12:10:00.001-06:00

Good things are happening and I'm happy. Normally the Christmas season depresses me but not right now. Unfortunately I'm unable to disclose the nature of my joy for now.

The weather this weekend was shit and I wasn't able to make it into work last night, but I went anyways. My roommates and neighbors are all home for the holidays, so I've got a slight case of cabin fever. Later in the night the weather had cleared up so I went into work anyways, fortunately they no longer required my services; the shitty weather kept the crowd down to reasonable number. So instead of working I danced and shot pool for a few hours. It was strange being at work and not working.
I went up into the north woods for a family christmas this weekend as well. I love this side of the family. After eating and socializing the real fun began when a bunch of my aunts uncles and cousins (and Gift, Clay, and I) went out to the bars to dance, play darts/pool, and of course get shit faced.

Merry Christmas.

A watery grave

2007-12-20T19:00:00.000-06:00

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I've been getting up early for work lately so my sleep schedule is all out of wack.
A little about me:

I would rather drown than die in a fire.
I think I talk a lot when I'm really just talking to myself in my head.
I would like to trade places with someone who was born def just to understand how they think. Same goes for someone born blind.
Some times I'll stand out side of class with a cigarette and just observe people doing what they do.
I want super powers.
When I was young I didn't like having birthday parties cause I didn't like being the center of attention.
If I knew I had a week to live (or any set amount of time) I wouldn't tell anyone, not even my family.
I have over 100 DVDs and never know what I want to watch.
My own future doesn't concern me, but the futures of those whom I love do.
I could care less about global warming
I don't illegally download music from artists I truly enjoy.
Some times I go to work just so I'm not sitting alone in my apartment.
I never know what I want for christmas.
I would take a bullet for my brothers.
When I was young I had horrible buyers remorse after buying a yo-yo.
Once a year for about four months I'll starting playing the guitar, get good at it, then stop.
I don't know where this list is going, but it's time for me to go to work so I'll have to do more later.

2007-12-17T17:55:00.000-06:00

Its been information overload lately. I spend a lot of time thinking, even though I never have anything interesting to say. Too many things happening at once, some personal some not. But overall life had been good lately.

I called in sick friday night. It was a half lie. I did have a little bit of a cough, but more importantly I had a keg and large amount of wap sitting in my kitchen. Plus it's very rare that both my roommates and the girls next door are home.

Around midnight they all decided to head out to the bars. I went along with a borrowed ID that looked at least a small bit like me. Fortunately there was no one at the door at the moment so I just walked in and quick got a beer before their door guy came back. I drank and smoked like a chimney with good friends. I was glad they convinced me to call in.

Yesterday I went home for a family Christmas for my dad's side of the family. It went as they normally do, the Lloyd and I hung out with each other and ignored our cousins. I forgot my camera at home...

doing alcohol

2007-12-11T12:07:00.000-06:00

*phone rings*

I - "Hello?"

Phone - "Hey it's Derek. Did you know that our final is today?"

I - "Ummm no, it's always been Thursdays."

Phone - "Yea, not this one."

I - "fuck... thanks..."

*hangs up phone*

I had about 45 minutes to shower and study which included reading a book that I was only one chapter into. When I woke up this morning I thought I had a whole day off class to study and read. Oh well, I didn't stress over it, when you stress you only hurt yourself.

Also, I found out that I still needed to attend one more Spanish lab. Because we just had our last test I'm sitting in here blogging and watching LOST on my iPod instead of listening to the worlds most monotone voice speaking Spanish over sub-par headphones.

The bitters

2007-12-06T13:32:00.001-06:00

It's the things I decided not to do that make me feel like an adult. I don't want to fall back into old bad habits, I have enough current ones.

Yesterday was my interview for the higher position at work, I believe I did alright. I would feel bad to get the job other the other two guys interviewing for the position. Both a good workers and have been there a lot longer than I have. Although I didn't slack off in the interview cause if I get the job then I'll be able to take more weekends off.

I seem to be one of the few people who isn't to concerned about finals week. I don't have any big projects or papers to write, just a few exams that I'm reasonably prepared for. One of my roommates has literally slept 8 hour in the last 4 days and is on the brink of a breakdown.

Last night I went to see Pablo Fransisco on campus. When I first heard he was coming I thought he was some sort of Spanish musician.

My mind has been cluttered and my moods sporadic lately. One minute I'm happy and at the top of the world and the next I'm totally bummed out. I'm continuously grateful for the friends I've made at my new place. Without my roommates, my neighbors and my coworkers I would spend all my time in my room watching TV and daydreaming about being away from here. I can't remember when I actually watched TV. I haven't even played world of warcraft in almost a month.

I got the newest Matthew Good album this week. I know it's not really new and that it came out over the summer but it's new to me. I've been doing what I do when I get new music, I listen to it all the time, probably for about a month, then move on to something else.

I love sound. The purity, the mechanics, the creations, then endless possibilities, all of it. Because of this I rarely walk to school (or anywhere) while listening to my iPod. There is something that is very relaxing about just listening to all the sounds that constantly surround us. Our minds have filters that tone out a lot of background noise but when want to you can peel these filters away and hear everything around you. The wind, the zipper dangling on my jacket, my footsteps, a passing car, my own breathing, etc.

poison apple

2007-11-29T14:06:00.000-06:00

My body wont forgive me for last night. Had I died they would have found my stomach content to consist of an apple and an alarming amount of cheap gin.

After an unlucky night of bingo with some friends from work I decided to stop by my neighbor's apartment and see what the the ladies were up to. All three had off work and ones boyfriend had driven up for the night so it was time to drink and when a lady offers you a drink it would be rude to say no. Between me, one of my roommates and one of my neighbors we polished off the whole bottle of gin and then some. It went down so nicely with some 7up... too nicely. I had only eaten an apple earlier in the day, you can only imagine what the alcohol did to me with an empty stomach.

The rest of the night is a bit hazy, but I behaved myself.

In class this morning I was half hungover and half still drunk. All I could think about was getting a muffin and some of the delicious coffee they brew on campus. When class was over and I went to satisfy my craving I discovered there were no more blueberry muffins left. I was heart broken and had to settle with the banana nut instead.

Writing this I'm thinking to myself who honestly would want to read this?

I got another call yesterday for a job interview. I don't even remember filling the application out. Two jobs is enough for me right now. This next semester is going to kick my ass anyways, I don't wanna add to the work load. Although, at the suggestion of a friend at work, I put in an application to get a promotion for next semester. It's doing the same job but a couple more responsibilities, more hours and more money.

I'm not putting my hopes into it really and I don't expect to get it, but apparently it look very good in the future when reapplying for the position.

spitting venom

2007-11-27T11:12:00.000-06:00

I came across this video last night and laughed my ass off. And no, I wasn't searching for porn when I did.

I've finally added a little culture to my room. To me culture comes in the form of a 4' x 5' Radiohead poster from the campus book store. It's just what my wall needed. Also I've started reading But Is It Art?: An Introduction to Art Theory. I'd like to say that I'm reading it just for the fun of it, but it's for a class I'm taking. Although, I am genuinely interested in the subject.

Sports? Last night at work we were all just sitting around and three of the guys I work with were talking about god knows what about sports... players, teams, coaches, shit I know nothing about so I sat there and zoned out watching the little green light on my radio blink steadily and looking for patterns in the carpet design.

Later while walking around with L, the girl who was our lead for the night...

L: "Not a sports fan huh?"
Me: "Painfully obvious wasn't it?"
L: "Looked like you were about to fall asleep."
Me: "No, I was just so engaged in the conversation that I couldn't even speak."
L: "You're kinda a smart-ass huh?"
Me: "You have no idea..."

I skipped my classes yesterday. Like a five day break wasn't good enough. I woke up this morning feeling like there was something I needed to do. Sure enough when I looked at my Spanish syllabus I found out that I had an oral exam today (a day that we usually have no class). It was like some weird 6th sense thing. Of course I was under prepared but an extra day wouldn't have helped. I let myself sleep in this morning anyways and it was the most refreshing and peaceful sleep I've gotten in a very long time. No depressing dreams, I was actually in a lucid state where I could control what was happening to me and control I did. What was an hour of sleep felt like days.

the busy ant empire

2007-11-26T14:46:00.000-06:00

It takes but a moment of choice.

This weekend my parents lost a dear old friend of theirs to an event that should have never been.

He went to school with my mom. Loving husband, caring father, and good friend. The best-man at my uncle's wedding. The kindness of strangers can save your life, but not everyone is kind and sometimes it takes your life.

He was leaving the bar after a day of hunting. As he the packed bar he bumped into a man he didn't know. We find out later that this man has been recently let out of jail where he was staying for assault charges. Drunk and enraged by this accidental run in the stranger followed him outside and sucker punched him in the back of the head.

It takes but a moment of choice.

He fell from the blow hitting his head on the concrete. We later learn that oxygen was deprived from the brain for over 8 minutes. Flight-for-Life was called and he was rushed to the hospital, but the damage to the brain was too severe. Later the next day he was taken off life support. Fortunately he was an organ donor and even in death was able to help others.

Rewind roughly two weeks before the tragic incident. He discovers that his lovely wife who had recently battle and won against breast cancer had come out of remission and the cancer was not only back but in her skull.

My mother had grown up with both of them and they had been very close. "How could something like this happen? Why would God let this happen?" She asked me. She had cry the whole previous day and I could see she was too worn out of cry anymore. I didn't have an answer.

Life is too short, you never know what it will throw at you, and you never know when it ends.

It takes but a moment of choice.

today

2007-11-25T18:53:00.001-06:00

One year ago.
Two years ago.
Today, I'm lazy.

We are the Europeans, we've brought you a cake!

2007-11-24T11:12:00.000-06:00

This year was the first thanksgiving ever that I wasn't with my family. I had to work at one job in the afternoon and the other later that night so the drive home would have accomplished very little.

Originally my plan was to spend thanksgiving alone at my place with a can of ravioli and some dvds to keep me company, or maybe I would have made a chicken cup-o-noodles and pretended that it was just really bad turkey. Unfortunately, those plans fell through. A couple at work invited me over to there house for some real food and real alcohol. I didn't want to feel like a charity case so I made them some fucking awesome brownies, it's really the only kind I know how to make.

We sat drinking beer after beer laughing and having a great time. I couldn't think of a better way to have spent the day. Afterwards we carpooled up to work (yes, we were open on thanksgiving) and I lost my buzz. Before I left for home they gave me three big bags of leftover thanksgiving food. Turkey, potatoes mashed and baked, green beans, amazing stuffing, veggies, gravy, and to top it all off, half a pie!

I bitch about my job at the club a lot. Almost since starting there I've been talking about looking for a bar tending job closer to home, and it's made me sound like a broken recored to some. But the truth is while I may hate my job from time to time, I hold the friendships I've made there in very high regard and the only thing really stopping me from leaving and working around here is the people who I work with.

Bad ass

2007-11-22T12:37:00.001-06:00

So this one time back in high school I was out shopping with my mom and she wanted to get me a new pair of pants. We went around the store and pick out some nice ones. This was during that time in my life where I wasn't into wearing underwear so when it came time for me to try them on I wasn't able to because it would have been "gross". My mom wasn't to happy with me.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Adventures into morality

2007-11-20T15:12:00.000-06:00

I only saw a total of (maybe) 5 hours of sunlight all weekend. For the most part I was going to bed as the sun was coming up and leaving home long after it had set.

I'm one of the only people I know who is staying in town all of break. My roommates have already left and will be gone until late Sunday. I'll be here by myself when I'm not working, this I'm not looking forward to.

Back to this weekend, it was to say the least, interesting and eventful. I needed a good weekend after over a month of feeling like shit. But the highlight of my weekend was getting an email from a fellow blogger with some very kind words and some good advice.

Vagabond

2007-11-15T23:07:00.000-06:00

It's my night off. For some reason I wasn't scheduled tonight and I wouldn't mind as long as I had something to do, somewhere to go, but I don't. I was hanging out with my roommate who I'm lucky enough to get along with but they just left for the bars. The only reason I'm looking forward to turning 21 is the social aspect of going out. At 20 there is only really one place I can think of to go for a similar effect... my job. I don't wanna be one of the guys who has a night off so he goes into work to hang out, if I'm there I wanna be working.
I stayed an extra three hours at my campus job yesterday because 1) they had a lot that needed to be done and 2) I had no where else to go. I wasn't thinking about the extra hours or money, just the break from boredom. I work to take a break, how pathetic.

I'm hoping that this next semester I can work enough on campus that I wont have to work every night at the club. I need a night off once in a while, a weekend night, a night where I can go out and relax.

I've been going back looking through my old photos, the ones I took before I moved. The rose; beautiful, delicate, and once full of life. The rusted metal; dead, hard, cold. Yet in the photos they are similar; textures, shadows, curves, content. I never put much meaning behind my photos.

Sour

2007-11-13T12:48:00.000-06:00

The sweet is never as sweet without the sour.

Maybe it's my Karma, if I even believe in such a thing. Maybe everything is preordained and what happens is meant to happen. Or maybe I just like to make excuses for my own shortcomings and fuck-ups. I'm probably right with that last one.

I took that photo over a year ago and it's still one of my favorites. I remember that afternoon. It was as black as night due to the storm and I rushed from work to catch then ending. I got to my favorite photo spot overlooking the marsh and there it was. There is no sweet without sour. Had the storm not come I would have never seen what I did that afternoon. My storm has come again but I'm not worried. Things may be dark, dreary, and even depressing now, but storms end and sometimes what comes out of the storm can be beautiful. There is no sweet without sour.

Of late

2007-11-10T18:09:00.000-06:00

Iv been eating better lately. Anything is better than noodle cups every day. Real food, green food. I smoke less, "on my way to quitting". Quitting is only tough when others around smoke. One of my roommates and my neighbor smokes, they smoke what I smoke, making it worse. Smoking becomes dessert they are only really good on a full stomach.

Last night one of the upstairs neighbor's girlfriend came knocking on our front door asking for cigarettes. In exchange she gave me a piece of licorice. She came back about 30 minutes later, knocked and just stood there with a dollar in her hand looking at me. No smile, no hello, no greeting of any sort. I stared at her, her looks matched her personality, it's in no way a compliment. "Cigarettes?" I asked. She just nodded. I gave her two and she shoved the dollar in my hand and walked back up the steps. I stood there a second thinking they sell these things right across the street.

I look young. Some say it's a good thing. When I'm behind the bar and 30-40 year old women tell me I look like I'm not old enough to be doing my job I get annoyed. The other night I just walked away from customers who said that. If you ladies don't think I'm old enough to serve your drinks then you simply wont get any. It's mainly the women who question my age when behind the bar, but guys whose IDs I check at the front door often ask how old I am. I don't dignify them with an answer, I just come back with something like "old enough to be checking your ID."

gallery

2007-11-08T12:12:00.000-06:00

The gallery emptied into large desolate hallway. The art patrons, proud parents, and casual wanderers were already seated in the opera house awaiting the start of the symphony. To my right was a long table filled with intermission delights, mostly store bought cookies but the aroma was intoxicating none-the-less. I was hungry but my apatite had been poor the past couple days so I walked on. Then it started. To the left of me was the opera house door and from the cracks and gaps around them poured the sound. I stopped and as I often do closed my eyes and allowed myself to truly hear. Sound is merely vibrations in the air and I could fell them all over my body. They penetrate the skin and reach the core. My ears had little to do with what I was hearing. The feeling of being alone in the hallway (and life in general) was gone. There was sound everywhere, vibrating, bouncing, penetrating. It filled every part of the hallway and it no longer appeared as empty and desolate, I no longer felt empty or desolate or even hungry. I stood there for no longer than a second or two, a moment exists in infinity. I walked out the door in the cold and headed for home. It wasn't the music but the sound.

Nov

2007-10-31T08:39:00.001-06:00

I'm glad October is over. It was a rough month for me. A lot of things happened, a lot of things didn't. For the past three years October has haunted me. For the past three Octobers I've fallen into times of trouble and depression. For the past three Octobers I've felt anxious. For the past three Octobers my personal life has been shaken, jumbled, tossed around, knocked about, and rattled. October is over but I'm still here.

I can't hate October and the rough times it carries with it. Not always, but sometimes, good things come out of bad times. My life, as everyones, has been a regular cycle of good and bad times. I try to hold on to the good while walking through the bad. We all fall on tough times but if we forget, let go, or push away the good things what will we have learn? what will we have lost?

There are mornings where I wake up and the world around me is gray and bleak. The feeling of being claustrophobic in my own space causes me to feel sick. But something happens the moment I step outside. The air is cold, wind blowing, sun shining. I hear cars, wind in the trees, my own breath and heart, I can almost hear the sun. I close my eyes and for a moment everything becomes clear. No longer do I see or even hear these things but I feel them; not with my hands, not with my skin, but with me, every part of me. Things are no longer bleak. The gray I feel turns into a light beyond white. I open my eyes by closing them.

Lead Belly

2007-10-26T13:55:00.001-05:00

If you flip the photo upside down it would look like I'm smiling. I smile with my eyes anyway.

My adventures into poor nourishment continue. Spelling errors are common with me but had become far more frequent than I would care to admit. I see one word and say another, example: The router next to my computer says "secure easy setup" but what I read was "energy saving setup". My dyslexia has increased no doubt do to my lack of proper nourishment. On my way home from work early in today's AM I stopped at a 24 hour Pick-n-Save to get some sub-par sushi. Even sub-par sushi is good sushi when all you've had was a protein drink in that last 16+ hours.

For roughly the past two weeks Iv been showering with only shampoo to clean myself, no body wash. I figured that most of my body is covered in hair anyways so it couldn't hurt.

My fingers have forgotten where all the keys are on the keyboard and my words are coming out all mixed up.

Ctrl Alt Del

2007-10-23T14:28:00.001-05:00

RIP little one...

I love to sleep. Closing my eyes and passing out after a long day/night is an awesome feeling. Lately it's not. REM sleep is the state of sleep where we dream. Lately I've been going to sleep hoping to by-pass that state. They're not nightmares just dreams that depress, a lot of the time I don't even remember what they were about but while the memory fades the feeling lingers. Being depress about something that my own subconscious made up sounds ridiculous, but it happens more often than I'd ever like. I blame it on my poor eating habits lately. I'm probably both mal- and under-nourished, not to mention dehydrated. One can only live on microwave burritos, noodle cups, and pop tarts for so long before it not only takes a toll on one's body but their mind (in this case the subconscious) as well.

whore-off!

2007-10-18T15:25:00.000-05:00

Big storms are on their way for rest of the day. I may have to put off going to work for now.

Earlier today I have a great idea for a blog post but now, for the life of me, I can't remember what it was.

Iv kinda started working out again. The campus recently constructed a 21 million workout facility with all state-of-the-art shit. Nic and I went to check it out the other night and it's really nice and fuckin' huge. We worked out for about 30 minutes then called it a night. It felt good to do something good for me for once.

Fuck yea swearing is good!

In case you forgot

2007-10-17T13:49:00.000-05:00

I moved into my new apartment on Sunday with the help of Lloyd. My room is still a mess, nothing is in the closet. I have yet to go out and buy any food aside from the bag of doritos that me and my buddy Ryan ate while drinking and watching Dog the Bounty Hunter Tuesday night. I've made several trips to Jimmy Johns in the past couple days. If you've never tried a Jimmy Johns sub I aught to slap you. Just writing about it now is bringing on a craving.
The spell check doesn't recognize the word 'doritos' and as an alternative option is gives me 'clitorides'. After searching around on Dictionary.com (clitorides also not being a real word according to them) I came up with this: glans clitoridis. But according to the computers (or the browser's) spell check, clitoridis isn't a word either... someone fucked up some where.

What? My name is... Who?

2007-10-12T12:41:00.000-05:00

It's an afternoon of signing my name. I got the on campus job that I applied for nearly 4 months ago. They called and offered me the job yesterday while I was at work. It's the first time that Iv ever been selected for a job that I actually interviewed for. My old farm job I kinda just started going to there was never an interview or application process and my job at the club I basically just walked in talked to the owner and was given the position. It's a nice feeling knowing that out of everyone that was interviewed for this job I was the most impressive.

In about an hour I have to head over to the place that I'm moving into to meet my other roommate and sign the sublease papers. At first I was a little unsettled by the whole situation but its really no different than living in residency. At least this time I get my own room...

This post needs photos.

adios myspace, hola deer

2007-10-11T13:31:00.001-05:00

I deleted my MySpace account about a month ago already. It feels so good to be free again. I haven't once missed it not that I really should, I never really used it anyways. It sounds stupid but deleting it felt kind of liberating.

A while back one of the regulars at work told me that she tried finding me on MySpace, I felt a bit weirded out. I don't know why.

I'm keeping facebook around because it is more school orientated. But, as soon as people are start making there own templates and comprising their page backgrounds with .gif images that cause brain aneurysms, I'm out

Last night's tedious drive home was mentally stimulating. As I was traveling roughly 70mph I came within 4 feet of hitting a deer and it got me thinking. Had I hit that deer at 70mph I would have likely lost control of my car and in turn my life. Every moment up to that point where I zipped by this animal I was unknowingly making life and death decisions. It's the butterfly effect, not the shitty movie, but the actual theory. My mind kept running through the past 45 minutes or so thinking Wow, had I paused at that stop sign for 1 second instead of 2 I would have slammed into that deer... Had I not accelerated at exactly the exact acceleration I did, I would have slammed into that motha' fuckin' deer!! Every moment up to that point was affecting what would have happened the split second that deer and I crossed paths. Makes one think...

taking its toll

2007-10-11T13:00:00.000-05:00

I haven't been eating well, when I do eat that is. Being without any sort of stable place of residence takes its toll on me, mentally and physically. I used to be like going to work, but now that I know it'll take me an hour of straight driving to get home going to work stresses me out.

Iv been waking up these past few days from unpleasant dreams, unsure if they're the reason I feel like shit or the fact that it's been nearly a day since I've eaten anything remotely substantial. This will likely all pass once I get settled into a new place, if that happens. I don't always remember the dreams, only that they were shitty...

The weather has taken a turn for the cold. On Monday it was sunny and warm. As if someone simply turned off the heat it was all gone and I'm forced to bundle up when going outside.

I need a vacation.

the hunt

2007-10-10T09:48:00.000-05:00

So my Spanish teacher didn't show up to class today. Makes me really glad I came up to school early. I'm back to commuting from home until I get my whole living situation figured out. So to drive 45 miles to find out that there is no early class is a bit annoying. It's not that bad really, I'd actually rather be up here than sitting at home going crazy under the weight of my own boredom.

In November I'll be going to see Modest Mouse in Milwaukee for the 3ed time. It'll just be me and Lloyd this time. Jake, as Iv said before has been living in Arizona for about six months now and I'm starting to miss him especially when it come to thing that us brothers liked to do together (like go to concerts).

Would it be offensive to elderly people if I were to get an electric wheel chair simply because they look like fun and some time I'm just to lazy to walk?

Iv made it a quiet goal of mine to find then best philly cheese steak sandwich around these parts. I had one yesterday afternoon when Nic and I went out for an early dinner and I have to say, this one is at the bottom of the list. It was a HUGE sandwich which gives it some points but it was way to dry. I know that if I were a real blogger that I would have had my camera with me and taken a photo of it, but I cant remember what bag I threw it in the other day when I moved my shit back home. Anyways, not the greatest sandwich... the search continues...

endless nameless

2007-10-09T13:29:00.000-05:00

For the forth time in about 6 months I'll be living in yet another place. It's kind of a sad thing when you can fit everything our own into your car. In less than an hour I can be moved and all traces of me and my shit are gone.

Why I'm moving again is a bit personal and I don't feel it's appropriate to get into it right now. But things are ok as far as I can tell.

My oldest and best friend Ryan has now not only introduced me to a woman whom I love with all my heart and hooked me up with a job at the night club I currently work at but he has now also hooked me up with a place to live with a couple friends of his who needed a roommate. I owe him a lot...

With every change in my life that is thrown at me my blogging being very sporadic. Fourty blocks has been around for over two years now and for the last several months Iv been a stranger to my own work, my own art. My camera and this blog have collected dust but my mind has been thrown into overdrive. Thoughts come to me more than ever now, thoughts of things that cant really be written or described in any way. Thoughts that cant be described using any senses. trying to write about them wouldn't do any justice. Even when I try explaining them to others, the words fall short and are lost to confusion.

Am I too old for my age? for my own good? Have I grown up too fast? Am I really a product of my own wasted youth?

I kicked a girl out of the club the other night for hitting another pregnant girl in both the face and stomach (I didn't know she was pregnant, but she was). Both are only 18 and the one who did the hitting has a little son of her own... at 18. You'd be surprised to know how many people at or under the age of 18 have kids and still with out fail come out to the club. It lead me to wonder "Where the fuck are these babies when they are out here slutting it up on the dance floor?" I got my answer the other week when two young girls (both 18) who were both regulars came in about 30 minutes before close. I was working the door and they wanted to go in for free just for 5 minutes to dance. I denied them of course, not cause I was trying to be an asshole but to make a point that I wont bend the rules for these two deviants who think they can get away with what ever they want. After telling them no for the third or fourth time one said "Come on! we just wanna go up for 5 minutes then well go, my kid is out in the car we'll be right out." Your kid is out in the car!? It's fucking 1:30 in the morning and your kid is out in the car! Sure enough her little son who could be more than a year old was out in the car with two of the girls young friends. She even brought the kid in to show me and to throw away a dirty diaper. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I should have called social services on her ass. This teenage mommy is the same one who hit the pregnant girl the other night, obviously I was more than happy to kick her out of the club (for life). Not that this will really change her behavior, now she'll just have to drive around elsewhere with her baby at 1:30 in the morning looking for somewhere else to get her drama.

There are others ranging from 16 through 20 who come in who have little children of there own, more than I would have guess. They are all still kids themselves. Some where there is a whole generation of children being raised by kids and the thought makes me feel ill.

I got a call from my brother Jake a while back (he lives in Arizona now... lucky bastard) and we discussed, among many things, the fact that we both don't seem to relate to others our own age, or maybe we just don't see the right people. Our peers, those we grew up with and those we observe in day to day life, see to behave in a far different manner. We based most of it on how we were raised, but that can only be a part of it. A lot of the people we grew up with had parents who raised them like friends, who gave them things they wanted but not things they needed. When I was 15 and Jake 17 our mom was diagnosed with cancer and immediately underwent chemotherapy. We fell into rough times, lived on welfare while our mom laid sick. Our dad, as he as always done, worked his ass off for us, but at the times things were slow. Rough times indeed. It was just as summer started and I had just got my temp drivers license. I drove my mom to therapy 30 minutes away, I worked around the house, Jake worked at a local golf course and Clay I believe was attending summer school during the day. The times matured us a lot. I got sick feelings in my gut when I found out the people at our church had collected food for our family, I don't know why, but I did none the less.

The first month of my mom's cancer I didn't say a word to anyone. I never mentioned it to people at school, even my best friends didn't know about what was happening in my house and in my head. Looking back on it I can't say why I kept everyone in the dark about my home life, I suppose I didn't want anyone's pity for our situation... same reason I didn't like accepting other's charity.

My mother is the strongest woman I've ever know. She didn't tell me about the cancer for about a week, but she didn't need to. I knew something was wrong and I knew what it was, I don't know how, but I did. She cried as she told me, I cried as she told me. "I'm not afraid of dieing, but I don't feel like I'm done raising you and your brothers and I can't leave you let." she said to me with tears in her eyes. Those of you who read this have no idea how hard it is for me to write about and recall this moment in my life. From that day on Iv felt grown up, I didn't find much joy in the things others my age did, it all seemed very small (thats the best way I can describe it). My mother recovered and bounced back with so much strength it was incredible. She looks younger now than she did before her body became invaded with the illness, she has to this day never let me or my brothers down.

We were raised in situations, like most are, that were our control. My brothers and I were raised not by pop culture, or tv, or our peer, but by two of the most supportive and strong people we will ever know.

Jake and I discussed, in our several hour long talk, how we now fear that we couldn't raise children the way our parents did. Could we really offer to our own children the strength and support that our parents gave us?

This post has become a novel. I'm waiting to go to a job interview on campus. I filled out and turned in an application to work on campus several months ago and never thought about it again until I got a call last week to come in for an interview. I figure that it couldn't hurt to have a second part time job on top of the club.

There is a lot in this post to digest. Enjoy

fourty

2007-10-08T13:46:00.000-05:00

My legs are twitching. It's been about 48 hours since iv really had anything to eat. It has been a rough couple days but Im coming back up from it now.

Saturday night was my first time behind the bar for a really busy night and I must say, I rocked the fucking house! Customer after customer, drink after drink, I was flying. I had maybe one or two little fuck ups but they mostly went unnoticed. And to top it off at the end of the night I had a 64 oz. beer pitcher FULL of cash from some awesome tippers. One dude who had a tap with me left me $15 (my largest tip of the night). Being a door guy checking IDs and running beer if fun, but put me behind a busy bar and I'm fucking rocking! Leaving the club with a pocket full of twenties isn't a bad feeling either.

Iv never tried the combination but the drink I specialized in was making Vodka Red Bulls. Not that it's terribly hard (vodka and red bull... duh) but I had people by half way thought the night that only wanted me to make the drinks for them.

It's on... It's on video...?

2007-09-06T13:20:00.001-05:00

So Nic took me to my very first major league baseball game. It was a total surprise for me, she wouldn't tell me where we were going and it wasn't until I saw the stadium that I realized what my surprise was. It was an awesome time.

Of course we had to get a hot dog, it was a fucking baseball game!!
We tailgated before the game, and got just trashed... I maybe watched 15 minutes of the game and would stand and cheer when other around me did.
She bought me beer!!
Nic and her friend Dom (we were all drunk)
We are so fucking hot!

I didn't even know I made this video... neither does she...

hardwired

2007-09-05T09:54:00.000-05:00

I'm currently sitting the in one of several campus computer labs. Classes start today, campus is pack with young adults wandering around looking for the correct building and room. First timers looking anxious like a mouse in a maze for the first time, looking for the cheese at the end only to realize that it wasn't cheese at all, it was cheese scented fabreez... poor bastards.

I do however enjoy observing people in the uneasy state of confusion. I walk around seeing these people with a slight smile on my face, one that I don't really understand yet I have it anyways. A packed campus is annoying.

I came to a odd realization the other night at work while talking with one of the bartenders; People who are fucking idiots rarely, if ever, are aware that they are in fact fucking idiots. (The realization wasn't about the bartender but it stemmed from the conversation we were having, and oh how true it is.) Who knows, maybe I'm a fucking idiot and don't even know it...

logic

2007-08-28T10:43:00.000-05:00

Nate (while on the roof at work): "Hey you think if someone ran fast enough they could jump from the parking ramp onto the roof the of building?"

My boss on the other end of the radio: "I doubt it."

Nate: "I dunno, I think if someone ran fast enough they'd have enough momentum to make it."

My boss: "Well, maybe Mel Gibson could..."

Nate: "Yea, him or Bruis Willis."

I just read about the kid who cracked the iPhone. Good for him.

I would have new photos but I can find the cord to connect my camera to the computer.

titles are hard

2007-08-16T16:57:00.000-05:00

We have mice. Not a mouse, but mice.

I could hear them in the ceiling last night. There claws scratch again the ceiling tiles as they push there way thought the insulation, it was a bit creepy.

Laundry time.

bounce

2007-08-13T19:29:00.000-05:00

I need to dust off my camera and get back into the swing of things a bit more. I don't have any new photos of myself or of food that I've recently made/eaten or of the cat; three things that make a blog a blog.

Our move-in is pretty much all done. The computers are in and juiced up with the internet so now I'll never have to leave our room ever again. We just got back from bringing Nic's cat to our new place from her mom's... that was a treat. I never heard so many weird noises come out of a cat before.

Being the semi-awesome genius that I from time to time am, I hook up Nic's and my computer to our surround system so we can play music even louder and annoy the downstairs neighbors even more.

Oh, my Thai sister Gift is coming back to Wisconsin in about a week to start her college career and I'm very excited to see her again.

I feel like a total nerd right now cause I just looked over and saw that Nic is also writing a new blog post. So now I feel like it's a race to see who gets done first...

I win!

emosity

2007-08-12T11:13:00.000-05:00

Nate says:
im not emo... at least not anymore

Stolenswan says:
yaaaaaay

Stolenswan says:
you graduated!

Stolenswan says:
Not you're just bitter like the rest of us!

Stolenswan says:
Quick...complain about something

Nate says:
ummm... i need a fucking shower!

Nate says:
i need a shower so much i wanna cry and hate... umm... things

Stolenswan says:
whoa.....that was bad

Stolenswan says:
even for a Sunday morning

Stolenswan says:
You're supposed to complain about things like the water bill, and punk kids wearing those damn shoes with the wheels on the bottom

Stolenswan says:
Or like....Mexicans

Nate says:
sorry, i forgot how to be emo...

Stolenswan says:
Don't apologize to me. Apologize to like.....My Chemical Romance or something..

I forgot how to type

2007-08-11T05:15:00.001-05:00

My long internet hiatus is over. Several months of being unplugged have been very good for me. I did things, read books, worked, found constructive ways to spend my time. But it feels good to be plugged back in.

What I have missed most are all the people who I only have contact with thought the internet. I miss getting drunk and making long distance phone calls to Canadians.

My job at the club has turned me a bit nocturnal, its almost 5:30 in the AM and I haven't gone to bed yet... Work has been slow, beautiful weather and festivals draw people away from the bars but several night club remodels have kept me busy.

Id rather not fall back into my old habit of being on the internet far too much. Going without the internet is easy when there is no way to access it, but now that its right here in front of me, it may be hard to stay away.

you want it

2007-07-09T14:18:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I haven't died yet...

I've been "unplugged" for the last month or so. No computer, no internet, etc. This is really the first time I've sat down at a computer in weeks. I kinda miss it, kinda don't.

I've been reading a lot of Steven King lately and when I'm not going that I'm working on one thing or another. I've been helping Nic work on her house here and there, doing what I can. I actually put in a hardwood floor all by my self the other week and felt really accomplished (It looks fucking great btw).

There has been a lot more work for me to do at the club these last few weeks as well. The manager and I have been doing remodeling work putting in 10 - 12 hours on a good day. Plus I've recently started bar tending so now I can do almost any job the club can throw at me. OH, and Girls Gone Wild was there a couple weeks ago but it was totally fucking lame and I didn't see so much as one titty... (it was 95% dick in there that night)

I got a sexy new phone a couple weeks ago. A red MotoRazor! I know everyone has them but fuck them, mine is awesome!

Hopefully Nic and I will be moving into the house soon and I'll be plugged in again... hopefully...

homelessnessocity

2007-06-06T08:22:00.000-05:00

For a little over a week now Iv been a little bit homeless. My current living situation at Nic's mom wasn't quite working out unfortunately and I opted towards becoming nomadic. So now I'm doing a lot of driving, a lot of bumming around, and occasionally sleeping at Nic's when her mom is at work.
Fortunately there is a lot of work at the club for me to do lately. There is a remodeling job being done that I'm very much involved with and the creation of a whole new club currently underway that I'm getting my hands into.

I've been working side by side with the manager and owners of the place and my ideas are actually being taken into advisement and used.

Last week I talked to the owners about getting some megatouch machines into the bars and yesterday they actually got a couple in. Who doesn't like to drink and play megatouch?? Nazis, that's who!
I spent over an hour yesterday on the phone doing office work calling people who won shit like bar tabs and keg parties. I like to think that I brightened the day of a local beer enthusiast or two.
Gas prices hit an all time high as soon as I decided that I'd become nomadic and drive a lot. Aren't I the lucky one.

Due to my new found homelessness my internet usage has become a bit bleak. The Lloyd is currently in possession of my computer seeing is it had no where else to go. Currently I'm sitting in a semi-empty computer lab on campus.
I started bar tending at the club on dry nights now. Sunday night I had to work the bar for a high school graduation party. I made enough kitty cocktails to drown one of those annoying little high school grads in.

I know that Iv only been out of high school for two years and that two years doesn't really mean shit but the maturity level between 18 and 20 is phenomenal. I hope I didn't act like that when I was fresh out of high school.

"Woo we graduated from high school!!"

Wow that's so amazing!! HIGH SCHOOL!! NO ONE GRADUATES FROM HIGH SCHOOL!!

"Woo the world is ours!!"

I can't wait until the world knocks your on your collective little immature asses!

The new cure

2007-05-23T09:12:00.001-05:00

He's not retarded, he's just a fucking idiot.

I may have a bit of a sick mind, but only when it comes to things I would find hil-fucking-arious. For example:

At the club we have a lot of regulars. One in particular is one who is referred to as "Special Ed". He's the idiot. He's not retarded, just a fucking idiot. Too stupid to work but just stupid enough to collect money from the government.

Anyways Sp. Ed come to the door where me and another guy are working and announces that he has hemorrhoids and 3 pairs of blood underwear at home. (You didn't want to know that?? Well neither did I!!) I tell him that he's probably just on his period and congratulated him for finally becoming a women.

As started walking away I turn and announce: "Hey, you know what will cure your hemorrhoids? Just rub some IcyHot on the area, you'll be fine." I could barely get it out I started laughing so hard.

The other guy at the door kept the joke going by telling everyone else there that knew him to try and convince him to IcyHot his hemorrhoids away.

ouch...

It's really that hairy

2007-05-22T20:02:00.000-05:00

(rant)

I like space. Movies or shows that take place in space will always attract my attention. I like to be able to move around, space is good. I can be a bit claustrophobic sometimes so space can be my friend. I don't take up a lot of space, there isn't much of me to fill any large amount of space.

I like space.

There is only one type of space that I don't care for... MySpace!!

Frankly, myspace can lick my ball. I just logged on and went to a couple profiles when I came to this amazing conclusion. Songs that play automatically when you open a page annoy me (unless I enjoy the song...). But generally when I'm on my computer I'm listening to my own tunes. I don't want to go onto a page and have some beautiful music that iTunes is singing to me (usually Matt Good, The Decemberists, or Bright Eyes) interrupted and tainted with some rap bullshit.

Then, not only does a song play but there are three fucking country or rap music videos that start up as well.

All these fucking kids putting .gifs all over there page to make it cool decked out like its something out of MTV's pimp my ride or some shit like that don't seem to realize that while its cool to them, its fucking annoying for everyone else.
(/rant)

*Note... I tried to put the (rant) (/rant) in the usually html format (<>) but it totally didn't work...

cronohemorrhaging

2007-05-22T12:04:00.000-05:00

cronohemorrhaging: the bleeding of time.

Iv been suffering from sever cronohemorrhaging. Late nights at the club and power-naps make my days all fucked up.

"Was that yesterday? I thought it was a fuckin' week ago already..." - A common phrase from someone suffering from a cronohemorrhage.

I helped Nic move back home this weekend so I'm currently recovering from my lack of weekend sleep.

Because I only work late at night Thursday through Sunday I have a lot of free time. One would that that free time kicks ass right? Wrong, I'm bored. So bored that I actually just clean and organized the bedroom.

Living at Nic's mom's means that our smoking has become covert for the time being. I don't mind too much, but every so often I just wanna step out for a smoke but I can't in fear of the ever watchful eye of my girlfriends mother. Not to make her out to be a hard ass. She has been very sweet and generous. Me living here was practically her idea to begin with.

I bought a grill the other day. Why? Cause grilling kicks ass that's why.

Excuse

2007-05-15T09:48:00.000-05:00

I had my backpack on. She was on her cellphone. The line for food had extended outside the facilities door. I was done eating. She was waiting in line.

I made my was toward the door, the door she was standing in. She wasn't off to one side but right in the middle of the fucking doorway yapping on her cellphone. What is a guy to do? Well, because she was curious/smart enough to stand to one side or the other when occupying a doorway that is frequent for traffic I just plowed through the door allowing my shoulder and backpack to hit her.

Of course I didn't give her a faint/fake "Excuse me".... Excuse me? Excuse that bitch for being rude enough to stand in the middle of the doorway yapping on her fucking phone as others are trying to get out.

As I walked away totally proud of myself for running into her I hear her yell "Excuse me you fucking asshole!" this only boosted my 'pleased with myself' feeling as I walked away smiling.

showdown

2007-05-13T11:09:00.000-05:00

Where have I been? Here, there, school, work, bed. I had final this week. Not that that's my reason for not blogging, I never really study. Time has just been going by really quick lately.

Now that school is out and I'm only working on the weekends I'll have time to sit at my computer and hopefully blog.

Isn't it annoying when I don't blog for weeks then when I do all I talk about is how I haven't been blogging and my bullshit reasons for it? It pisses me off.
And now for a little recap of what I've been doing lately

going out for sushi with Nic
playing WoW
working at the club
sleeping during the day cause I don't get home until 3:30 in the AM

Last weekend was a bit rough. Some bad news was thrown into the air. But it's all ok now and not worth going into detail about.

Nearly everything that I own is stuffed into the back seat of my car right now. I'm this much *places thumb and indext finger roughly one inch apart* closer to being homeless.
School couldn't have gotten out any sooner. Just like when I was in high school and I hated high schoolers, Iv began to hate college students as well. I know that Nic and I are college students but that's different, we're fucking awesome.

When I go to lunch I don't want to hear how many goddamn lines from Borat you've memorized and I don't want to hear about how drunk you got last night. These people are supposed to be adults?
A week from now and Nic and I will be living at her mom's temporarily until the whole house thing is in order. So that should be interesting.
Trinity gave me a hair cut last week and did a awesome job at it. Well done girl! And here I was thinking I couldn't look any better.

I'm not really that stuck up. I just like to pretend I am so. And I'm good at it... NO, GREAT AT IT!
There a new post! Happy?

...ugh, I gotta play WoW

the homeless with take over

2007-04-27T15:21:00.000-05:00

I have no new photos. I'm lame.

Because my "friends" let their extended families control their lives I'm now on the look out for a place to live for the summer. Nic and I are going to be living together and in three weeks we will both be homeless. But at least we'll be homeless together. We found a couple places subleasing out apartments and efficiencies for the summer and I'll be doing some emailing this weekend to places we'll potentially be living.

I have yet to inform my parents on my current living situation. As far as they know I'm still moving in with my friends in a couple weeks. It's not that I'm afraid to tell them, whether they disagree with my decisions or not doesn't concern me. I haven't told them because it's my situation, I have to figure things out without any parental guidance. I wanna figure things out on my own.

If I sell my plasma I can get $200 cash every month. $200 for just sitting there with a couple needles in my arm. It's every week, twice a week and at my convenience. Why haven't I been doing this months ago?!?

Two more weeks of classes and it couldn't go any slower. I just want summer to start. mmm, summer. No more school work for over 3 months, mo more exams, just work and sleep and WoW.

my bad

2007-04-25T17:15:00.000-05:00

I started working at the night club last weekend and it wasn't as tough as I had expected it to be. My job, as of now, consists me keeping the bars stocked with drinks (mostly beer), and it's pretty easy.

big motha'fuckin' guy: "Hey man, you security?"

me: *looks at the big mothafuckin' guy and looks down at myself* "Do I LOOK like security?"

big motha'fuckin' guy: *laughing* "Hell no!"

But if a fight does break out I have to go to it and try to stop it... yea the fuck right, like I could stop a fight. I'm more likely to cause one.

Oh, and the Decemberists show Friday night was fucking amazing!

generation why

2007-04-18T15:03:00.000-05:00

A lot has happened in this last week of me being blogger MIA.

Nic head butted me in my/her/our sleep.
I had a talk with the Assistant District Attorney and got Lloyd's ticket dropped at my expense.
I got a job.
I found out my older brother is moving far away very soon.
Iv decided to cut back my smoking.
I realized that I haven't been drunk in fucking months.
I was impressed by my younger brother, Lloyd's, blog post.
I realized I can't speak English.
The people who I was supposed to be living with in the up coming month called and gave me a really shitty reason why I can't live there anymore so I might be homeless for a little while.

1) Yes, while we were both fast asleep Nicole head butted me. It took me a little time to figure out what the fuck just happened. It woke me up but she was still fast asleep. Apparently she was dreaming about hitting her head on a wall and instead of a wall she got me smack dead in the forehead. I'm sleeping with a nocturnal ninja.

2) The mutual "too fast for conditions" speeding ticket Lloyd and I got a while back were up for debate between us and the ADA. Instead of trying to get my ass out of the water, I dug myself a little deeper into a hole so Lloyd could get out of one. His ticket was dropped 100% and $100 was added to mine. Although, Lloyd owes me roughly what the ticket costs so it all balances out really.

3) I'm employed again. I got a job at a night club of all places! My buddy the DJ introduced my to the manager at the club and after talking to her for a little bit she offered me to job right off. I start tomorrow night. It doesn't sounds tough at all, keeping things at the bar stocked and just little basic stuff here and there. I get a radio and ear piece and if a fight breaks out (and they do) I have to drop what I'm doing and go help stop it... like a bouncer I guess. I'm look forward to getting in the middle of fights, sounds fun.

4) My older brother, Jake, is moving to Arizona in a couple months. I'm really excited for him, he got a transfer down and a really nice apartment in Scottsdale I believe. He's leaving in about a month after a trip to New York. But this really has nothing to do with me so I'm going to move right a long...

5) My smoking was on a steady rise and I knew it. I know it's "bad for me" but what the fuck isn't bad for someone these days? I'm not stopping, not yet anyhow, just cutting back. I'm not 100% sure why I am... I just am.

6) The last time I got nice and drunk was like two months ago. I'm in college, what the fuck?

7) Lloyd wrote a blog post that really impressed me. He put it in a 'frame' (he didn't know he did, but he did) and it was well written and here I am not blogging nearly enough while everyone around me is starting blogs and keeping up with them. Again, what the fuck?

8) I'm learning more and more that I can't speak English. I confused an exclamation point for an apostrophe the other day and Nicole had a field day laughing at me. Also, I'm verbally dyslexic and say things like "Is your car locked in your phone?" or "Think I can play sex while having a guitar?" Those are always good for a laugh...

Finally 9) This one is tough to explain. For that past four months I was under the impression that I would be living with some Engaged friends of mine and for the past four months I checked in with them periodically to make sure everything was still cool and that I would have a place to live once kicked out of the dorms at the end of the semester. I got a call Saturday afternoon and my friend gave me this INCREDIBLY lame excuse why I no longer can. It was so fucking incredibly lame what it was necessary for my to write 'incredibly' all in caps just now. It had to do with an uncle not being cool with me living here... they were both fine with it, but an objection from an uncle made it so I no longer have a place to live. They are the ones getting married, they are the ones to asked me if I wanted to stay there. Why is someone else telling them how to live their lives? No idea... grow a backbone and be your own person. And if that was all a lie because they were in fact no longer cool with the idea of me living there (and we go way back, 7+ year for all of us) then they should have just been honest with me. So now I need to find a place to live temporarily... At least I have a job now...

There, you're all caught up. I'll try to not make this a weekly thing and start blogging more often.

ziost

2007-04-11T16:41:00.000-05:00

It's snowing out right now. A couple weeks ago the temprature was in the 70's. And now, it' FUCKING SNOWING!

A reoccurring shoulder problem has once again reoccurred so Iv been having tons of fun with that.

Nic's cat, Caboose is currently laying on the bed half asleep looking at me and being all cute. I wonder if she has any idea that I'm allergic to her and that right now my eye is itching like a mother fucker.
There are very few people I went to high school with that I would even think to call me friend today. Is this unfortunate? Not really, most people I went to high school with aren't really worth the time. They may have graduated but never left high school behind. Maybe I just act too old for being 20.
Iv met a lot of Nic's friends over the past couple months and the other day, Easter actually, when we were leaving one of her friend's apartments I realized that she has only met one of my friends, the one who sorta introduced us in the first place. This led me to thinking about all the friends I had in high school (or the lack there of). I thought about how they acted 4 or 5 years about when we were all in school and how I see them act today. Not too much has changed.
I got a wall posting on facebook from someone I went to high school with the other day. Not really a good friend, more of an acquaintance. She wants to get together this summer and catch up, which I'm all for. But she goes on to mention other people from the old days, people (old friends) who I've come to realize I have no tolerance for. Maybe catching up isn't the greatest idea...
I was playing world of warcraft the other day when a message popped up on my screen from someone known as a 'game master'. From what I can tell it's someone who works for Blizzard (who made WoW) and just monitors the game for anyone in violation of rules. Apparently I was in violation of a rule involving my character's name. Apparently "Sodomidity" is inappropriate. I didn't chose that name mind you, Nic was the one who picked it!
Hmm, there is one more gap between photos that I want to fill...

With the remaining shrimp from our sushi experiment Nic sautéed it up with some pineapple and put it over rice. I was a bit skeptical at the idea of fruit and shrimp but when I tasted it I nearly creamed my pants! Ok, so it wasn't that extreme but it was damn good!

Did I mention how it's snowing out and how my should is killing me and how my eyes itch from the cute cat laying on the bed and how I like to bitch about things?

I did?

ok...

soap

2007-04-06T11:14:00.000-05:00

I learned how to sauté. It's shrimp, crab, and tomato that was beautifully sautéed and added to fettuccine alfredo. Sound good? It was. Nicole and I do a lot of cooking, which mean we do a lot of grocery shopping which also mean that I need to get a job soon so that I can afford to keep buying food to make these awesome dinners. Currently there is a homemade quiche in the oven and I'm starving!

My speech on war-torn African children went over well enough, the usual really. I got up there, ignored what I had written on my note cards, talked/rambled, and hoped that I wouldn't go over the seven minute time limit. It's a good thing I ignored my notes, on the 4th day of speeches the professor gave this big thing on how most people were going up in front of class and just reading word for word off their cards which isn't a speech. Being unprepared and not rehearsing totally helped me out.
There are a couple ducks outside of Nicole's apartment. I was quacking at them the other day in hopes of getting a response but received none. I want to catch them and start a duck farm. Who doesn't want to have a little cute baby duckling running around their apartment? I know I would. The market for ducks around here is very slim so I figure that it would be a good business investment. I'll be selling ducks some time in the near future so start placing your orders now.
The calluses on my fingers have come back so my guitar playing has increased substantially. Lloyd has surpassed my guitar abilities long ago and it's time I start catching up to him, he's good so I have a lot of work ahead of me. I used to play a lot, but when I was working and going to school full time I was too tired (lazy) to play all the time.

I'm slowing hacking away at a business plan I have to write for my business class. It feels a bit pointless these days seeing is that I'm no longer a business major, but I can't drop the class and I need a reasonable grade.

My major has gone from business to sociology with a minor in psychology. Subjects that I know I like and have past experience in. Plus, switching to this major cut a semester out of my total time in college so that's a big plus.

my heart is an apple

2007-04-03T10:19:00.000-05:00

I picked up a bunch of job applications but haven't gotten around to filling them out. They are so tedious and all the same, but I need to do it, I need to get a job within the next month or I'm going to start whoring myself.

"Do you know if you're hiring at all?"

"Not at the moment."

I heard this time and time again on Sunday. It would be nice is my level of awesomeness was high enough that people were offering ME the jobs.

March was a really slow blogging month for me, but that happens every now and then. I just had less to write about and less time to do it. My theory is that one needs to be depressed to blog and I no longer find myself depressed, it sucks! Well, this may not be true for everyone just me.

Damn my happiness!

flick

2007-03-31T22:48:00.000-06:00

My days fill up. I keep busy. I'm lame. Three reasons why I have been slacking off in terms of blog posts. World of Warcraft is taking my computer time away from blogging.

I had to drive back to my old college yesterday after class to have my final transcript sent to the college that I currently attend; something that apparently can't be done over the phone. It took me an hour to get there and 3 minutes to do what I needed to have done. Fanfuckingtastic. Being closer to my home town than to where I stay now I drove home to see what was up and was right off sucked into doing some more remodeling work for most of the night.
Not wanting to stay the night and leave the next day (today) cause it was supposed to rain like a motherfucker (which it did), I decided to drive back at 3 in the morning and go eat breakfast with Nicole who was finishing off her 12 hour shift. Coffee was my friend...
We got back to her apparent and I was oddly awake. Cause I'm so nice I got out of bed to let her sleep, came on my computer and played World of Warcraft for 3 hours (give or take). I felt like an insomniac.
Oh, we made sushi. Not only was it sushi, but it was fucking good sushi! I was surprised at how easy it really was to make but more surprised that it was actually good and tasted like sushi. It was nothing real fancy, a cali roll and some other things that didn't really have a name.

gross, I know

2007-03-28T15:32:00.000-06:00

Nicole: "Do you want some breakfast before you go?"

Nate: "No thanks, I'll just make something in my room before class."

I should have eaten at her place after all. I went to my room before class and 'attempted' to make a cup-o-noodles. In the process of making them I splashed boiling hot water on my finger which caused me to throw the cup across the room and fill the hall with loud expletives.

The burn looks really weird and it blistered. On the up side I got out of doing me speech for a couple days. I went to class after the incident and told my professor that my finger was 'killing me' and that I wanted to leave and put some ice on it. She let me go... good thing too because I wasn't totally ready.
My computer is now all set up at Nicole's seeing is that I spend most of my time here rather then in my dorm room. So now I have no reason to not blog.

I'm going to attempt to make sushi tomorrow night. We went out and bought the rolling mat and sea weed wrap the other night. I have no idea how to make it so it should be interesting.

Last night was To Catch a Predator night only that Predator wasn't on, instead it's now To Catch an ID Thief. This was a bit of a let down but my buddy and I drank anyways. When I got back to Nicole's, still feeling the effects of the vodka, my eyes started to itch so I popped in a couple allergy pills. This turned out to not be my greatest idea ever. The combination of the alcohol and the pills led to a completely fucked up Nate, one who passed out really early and has only hazy memories from the night. At least my eyes didn't itch anymore...

cut me some slack

2007-03-25T11:39:00.000-06:00

Iv been slacking off again. Photos, blogging, work in general. But I have been going out and having fun.

Saturday Nicole and I decided to ride the bus around town so I could see where they all go and where else I could pick up job applications. Instead of looking for places we just rode to walmart to get some cigarettes that's when I decided that I wanted to make her dinner that night but quickly realized that my culinary skills were lacking and all I could really think to make was tacos... so that's what I made and I an say with no ego that they were awesome!

After our delicious taco dinner we went out and I got to meet some of her old high school friends who were all really cool, musicians, gamers... a good crowd.

It was long over due for changing the breaks on my car and how that I finally did my car no longer shakes when I stop... only when I drive over 55 mph. Caboose, Nicole's cat, loves to sleep right next to my head. So in the middle of the night when I roll over I get a face full of cat and a meow that I translate as "Dude, what the fuck!?"

format, re

2007-03-21T07:17:00.000-06:00

I'm currently reformatting Lloyd's computer. Well, actually it's MY computer seeing is that he hasn't paid me for it yet. "

"Hey Nate, didn't just just reformat that computer a couple months ago?"

Why YES! YES I DID!! But Lloyd got a nice juicy virus that my outdated anti-virus software couldn't take care of. And because I'm one of two people in this whole fucking town who know how to reformat a computer the job fell upon me; that and I'll do it for free cause he's my brother. But I still get to give him shit for it. He only had the computer 2 months and he fucked it all up. Nice work Lloyd...

Not like it's hard to reformat a computer, it just takes a while...

dashboard

2007-03-20T19:58:00.000-06:00

I'm home for the week. Back to work, making a little money, catching up with the family. I miss work a little and was happy to get back to doing what I know how to do well. Not that I'm taking pride in that; anyone could do what I do... farm work is easy. I had to go to the store today and pick up some new breaks for my car. They have gotten so bad I'm kinda afraid to drive it anywhere. Oh, and my driver side window is all fucked up and yesterday while coming home from work it went down and would not go back up... at all. So that's lovely.
You want good pizza you need to make it yourself. Fuck Dominos, fuck PizzaHut, their pizza is shit compared to the one Nicole and I made.
Coming home felt weird. I haven't been back in a few weeks now and I didn't really want to come back. Don't get me wrong, it's great seeing me family and catching up. But I didn't really have much of a reason to come back home other than to make a little bit of money. To be honest if my car weren't being a totally fuckerhead I'd likely have driven back up to Nicole's for the night.
Oh, a little up date on those two kids from my hometown (one being my former neighbor) that murdered the Nebraska couple. They both got two back-to-back life sentences! The girl is 18 and the guy is 20 and they will be spending the remainder of their long lives in prison. Serves them right. The couple they murdered (for no reason) had kids, one of which found their dead bodies...

roll

2007-03-18T20:00:00.000-06:00

Nicole and I got nice and dressed up and went out on the town. Dinner (sushi) and a movie (300). I even wore a tie. I never wear ties. Not since my vacation in Winnipeg have I had sushi that damn good. There were old people sitting at a table close to us who didn't seem to quite fit in at the sushi place. Then again we were the only ones who looked like we just got back from a wedding or high school dance.
I look like I'm ten years old in that photo.
Fuck that was good food... For those of you who never had sushi before you are totally missing out. Most people I come across hate sushi but they are the ones who have never tired it before. I guess the thought of raw fish just doesn't sit well with some.
We couldn't get into to movie right away so we walking into the arcade next to the theater. All dressed up and surrounded by children running a muck and people playing DDR while my inebriated older brother kept text messaging me. What a romantic evening.
300 was really good. Lots of fighting and blood, some tits, people in fucking up masks and a hunchback. Couldn't have been better really... The guys sitting behind us on the other hand being totally fucking annoying. Annoying to the point that my head exploded and got all over Nicole's dress. So that didn't really happen, but it was close to that...
I went out and picked up a couple job applications for some local hotels. One lady told me they are looking for a part time person to work the front desk at night. That is EXACTLY what I'm looking for, so tomorrow I'm turning in the application and going to see if there is someone I can talk to about the job. After a little job hunting I have to head home for the remainder of the week to make some money at my old job so I can go out for sushi more often.

So how do Nicole and I spend a day where neither of us have anything to do? We sit at our computers and play World of Warcraft in her living room while I watch Battlestar Galactica. Can you think of anything more nerdy? Cause I can't... It was great.

probably

2007-03-14T20:08:00.000-06:00

Nicole: gotta get to know you better before I let you fuck someone else

theNateJ: haha... that makes no sense

theNateJ: but i dont want to sleep with anyone else

theNateJ: so its all good

Nicole: me neither

Nicole: thats probably the sweetest thing we've said to each other

theNateJ: haha probably

we still had the radio

2007-03-14T14:31:00.000-06:00

I'm tired. A lack of sleep combined with exam stress has completely wore me the fuck out. Although, I do have a very good reason why I haven't been getting much sleep, but I wont get into that now. Nicole and I aren't really all that good at falling asleep, even when we both have to be up early the next morning...

A good thing about the class that I dropped yesterday is that I get to sleep in even later on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I only have one class those days now, but it's statistic so that enough to fry my mind for one day.
What possible sex act could a woman preform that involves a cat and whipped cream? Some pervert on Dateline's To Catch a Predator wanted 14 year old girl to preform such an act. Another man came to have a sexual encounter with a 14 year old boy and brought his 6 year old son along with him. Others are into water sports and bondage, all involving young boys and girls. Many are parents themselves, some are teachers, community figures, men of the church. Some in their 20s some in there 60s and all the ages in between. All coming to a house where they believe a young teen to be all alone.

Every week my buddy Ryan and I watch the show and have a good laugh at the stupid shit these guy's do. But when I think about what is really going on I feel sick. Every week there is a fresh group of pedophiles walking into Dateline's trap, some even watch the show themselves. This is just one house in one city at one time. How many houses and how many cities do these acts happen for real, where no camera sees and no one is there to help?

These people shouldn't get a trial, some are even multiple offenders; parole doesn't seem to work to well. All that's needed to cure these men from their perversion is a bullet to the head.
Iv resorted to posting old photos. I need to start remembering my camera more often. And my posts need to have photos, if I couldn't upload any I probably wouldn't even write anything...

the ship sank

2007-03-13T16:25:00.000-06:00

I just dropped one of my econ classes. One that I need to get into the school of business. The school of business that I will no longer be attending.

I'm not dropping out, and I'm not putting school off. I'm just not going for business anymore.

So what WILL I be getting a degree in? As of now that has yet to be decided but I know that business just wasn't my thing.
The new Modest Mouse album is coming out next week! I already pre-ordered it on iTunes and got one of the already released songs and if the rest of the album is as good as the one songs sounds then this is going to be one hell of a listen.

I play World of Warcraft. Nicole got me hooked. 30 minutes to kill before class... play WoW. Have to study for mid-terms, write a paper, or prepare for a speech... fuck it, play WoW.
It becomes an addiction...

goal

2007-03-12T14:20:00.000-06:00

Me, passed the fuck out in Nicole's bed. Stomach contents: not a dam thing. (Photo by Nicole)

On nights were I'm not too intoxicated to speak our presleep talks have been quite interesting and informational. For instance, things one should NOT yell when orgasming (Given that they are having sex; what you do alone in your room is your own business.)

While screaming or moaning in passion the following things are not appropriate:

The 30, the 20, the 10... TOUCHDOWN!!!
And the kick... GOAL!!!
Prayers (of any religion)
STD confessions
Their roommate's name
An actual marriage engagement
Scatting (Jazz singing in which improvised, meaningless syllables are sung to a melody.)

and the list goes on...

Apparently scatting during sex at any point isn't cool, no one ever told me...
I'm giving a speech on war-torn African children in my communications class some time after spring break and my goal is to make someone cry. I think that if I can pull that off that I'll ace it.

One more week until break starts. I'm finally going to start looking for a job around town. Hotels, bars, strip clubs, etc. Also I'll be going home for a few days to work on my parent recent remodeling project and to teach the Lloyd how to fuck with html coding so I have have to do it all for him. I'm a good brother, but a lazy one...

until you're blind

2007-03-10T13:42:00.000-06:00

The squad car kept circling around the block and I couldn't even walk. I slipped on the ice and couldn't get back up.

"Take another!"
...
"Take another!"
...
Ugh, no more...
...
"Well, I guess one more couldn't hurt."

I was wrong, one more could hurt, one more did hurt. It all left my system in the form of the food I had recently eaten.
I was embarrassed, shouldn't have been, but I was. I hate drinking to the point where I'm incapable of walking or keeping food inside me where it belongs. We toasted to moderation, and to peach schnapps... Moderation, that's funny. Nothing was in moderation, especially the peach schnapps.

The cop car pass by right as I was standing out side of the car saying adios to the cheeseburgers I had for dinner but fortunately for me I went unnoticed.

"We should get out of bed..."
"Yea..."

thirty minutes later

"We should get out of bed..."
"Yea..."

This goes on for a couple hours. It's hard to get out of bed when there is no reason to. My hunger got the best of me so we went out for breakfast (at noon).

Nicole doesn't have an alarm clock (or any clocks) in her room. So I got her one. It's more for me really, I like to know what time it is. Especially when I know I have to get going to class in the morning...
I was wearing her AC/DC shirt. I felt a bit emo wearing girls clothes but it's AC/DC so fuck it... plus my clothes smelled like smoke and spilled drinks.

Nicotine

2007-03-08T09:14:00.000-06:00

I haven't noticed until just now that Iv recently surpassed my 600th post.
600 posts of wasted youth.
600 posts of nothing better to do.
600 posts of me talking about whatever it is that I talk about.
600 posts of pure drivel, gobbledygook, twaddle, balderdash, and poppycock (thank you thesaurus.com).
I was on the campus radio station again last night so of course I had talk about my blog and lie about how cool and popular it, like me, is (it, like me, really isn't).

Afterward I walked to Nicole's apartment which is practically a 2 mile hike... Actually it's more like 3 or 4 blocks from the station but because it was so fucking cold out last night it seemed a lot farther; and I'm just lazy and would rather be driven places in the winter.

I believe Iv started getting used to sleeping in the same bed with someone because I don't recall waking up in the middle of the night last night.

Oh, and apparently I snore sometimes... but not bad, I hope.
I feel like such a trend-setter lately. First Lloyd starts a blog and now Nicole has as well. She's one of the few people in this world who can match my sarcasm, not to mention put up with me.

During lunch the other day we somehow got on the subject of clones and whether or not fucking one's own clone would be considered masturbation or some from of homosexual incest. I went the masturbation route, but it's all on how you look at it I guess. Also, If you were to kill your clone (or lets say you're stuck in some weird time shift and there are two of you in the same time period, ie Back to the Future II) is that murder, suicide or a murder-suicide?

These are the things we discuss...
I had my AA meeting thing on Tuesday and I just so happened to have to speak with the dean of students. No intimidation there. It's not even worth getting into...

After a couple months in this place I finally get around to putting up some posters on my wall. So now my room doesn't look like some plain white walled prison cell. No, now it's a white walled prison cell with a Radiohead poster hanging up...

thelloydblog.blogspot.com

2007-03-07T08:28:00.000-06:00

Ryan: "Hey, if you could be reincarnated as anything what would it be?"

Nate: "I dunno... a tampon...?"

*laughter ensues for roughly 5 minutes*

Ryan: "Dude, that's just wrong..."

Truth be told I don't really know what I would want to come back as. Probably a house cat. What do those things do all day!? They lay around, eat, sleep, pee in a box of sand... they have it fucking made! And here I am being all human and shit. House cats don't worry about finding a job or writing an essay; I'm not ever sure if cats are capable of worry... lucky fuckers.
It has been brought to me attention that I don't make post long enough and I guess that's true. There is a lot I could say and talk about that I just don't have the energy/talent to write on here. Also, as Iv stated before I'm not a huge fan of uber long blog posts, mainly because I have ADD and it's hard to hold my attention.

If I keep making short posts I'll most likely end up doing multiple posts each day... or not.
The Lloyd (my younger brother) has started a blog of his own. They grow up so fast don't they? One day they are myspacing and facebooking and the next they start a real blog. I'm so proud...

How will he compare to me? He wont, because as much as he tries I will always be the cooler brother. But even slightly less cooler than me is still pretty mother fucking cool. But everyone should still totally comment him to death.

Welcome to the wide wild world known as the blogosphere Shit Lips (it's a term of endearment... don't judge me I'm a good older brother) .

I can't think of a decent title

2007-03-06T13:07:00.000-06:00

I had a fun time on my birthday and now I need to go to an alcohol meeting today for a one-on-one with some sort of alcohol counselor. So that should be a hoot.

My midterms are over for the day. How did I do? I have no idea... Did I study? Kind of, I tried to... If I failed my stats test will I drop the class? Fucking right I will...
My bed here in my dorm room is full of shit (school papers, books, clothes, etc.). I been sleeping at Nicole's the past couple nights so there hasn't been much motivation to keep it tidy. Somewhere under all that mess is a small bed and I think that when it comes time to sleeping on it I'm just going to be lazy and sleep on all the stuff... or on the dirty floor, I haven't decided yet.

social injustice

2007-03-05T15:28:00.000-06:00

My head was drooping, I was half asleep again.

"Alright now if you could all just pass your social injustice essays up to the front we'll continue with the lecture..."

Oh fuck... That got my attention. I didn't do mine. In fact I totally, 100%, forgot about it. As I looked around at everyone else hanging there papers in I quickly wondered if I wrote any past essays that I could turn in place of it. There weren't any.

There are two midterms tomorrow in my econ classes. I already have enough shit to do with out having to write a whole paper by the end of the day.

So how do I spend my time? I write a blog post about how I don't have time.

fine/ultra fine

2007-03-04T10:33:00.000-06:00

It was 4 married couples all in there late 20s/early 30s, my younger engaged friends, and me. I didn't quite fit in. Wedding talk, marriage talk, baby talk, drunk talk. I thought we were going bowling, we weren't. Instead we went out to eat and this fancy restaurant, great food at a high price but I didn't care because my tax rebate came and I can waste a little more money.

Once again I had a older woman said to me "Just wait until you have kids!!! JUST WAIT!!!" I don't even remember what I said to make her yell that at me (she was more drunk than angry). At least this time I didn't unintentionally make anyone cry like the last time I hung out with my engaged friends...
I started playing World of Warcraft at Nicole's the other day and I can see what people get so into that game. I don't think I'll turn into one of those people who play WoW so much that they neglect themselves and never shower, eat or drink... but you never know.

I have studying to do but my laziosity* is getting the best of me.

*laziosity (Noun) - A rather common affection that causes one to sleep and procrastinate. Caused by extreme lack of motivation and thoughts of winning to lottery and never having to work ever again.

if only I could remember things

2007-03-01T14:37:00.000-06:00

So Iv been a bit busy lately and Iv finally dusted off my camera and did my thing. When I sit down to finally write a post after a couples days of excitementality, adventurisms and new cleverocities everything that I thought about writing just vanishes out of my mind and I'm left sitting here making up words again.

If I'm going to go through with attempting to write a book I'm going to need a digital recorder because the thoughts come to me faster than I can write them down.

There is someone down the hall from me yelling and slamming doors. As soon as I hear the word fight!! I gotta grab my camera and get out there.
Nicole: "I'm Asian, I should be good at DDR!"
Nate: "HAHAHA!!!"

Iv been spending a lot of my free time with Nicole, and because my day is 90% free time we've been hanging out a lot.

We've been getting snow out the ass lately! It's fucking crazy, two weeks ago it was nice and sunny and most of the snow had melted but can things stay this way?! NO!! in the past week we've had like 3 blizzards and the winter is back full force.

It's a shark... and it's exactly what it looks like.

I can't play DDR to save my life, let alone Halo...

I'm not sure what it is with me and taking photos of light fixtures.

I drunkenly fought the shark with my stream of justice. I'm kind of like a superhero...
I was on the radio again last night. This time I promoted a book that is as of yet just a thought in the back of my mind. But I got some Matthew Good and Bright Eyes played on the campus station so that was pretty cool.

talented like a fox

2007-02-28T15:24:00.000-06:00

I'm in dire need of a schedule book. Lately Iv been missing meeting and deadlines. I keep relying hoping that I just remember shit but then my ADD kicks in and I totally forget. For the past couple days Iv had the feeling in back of my mind that there is something I should be doing or somewhere that I need to be. Oh well.

Nicole introduced me to a new addiction... PurePwnage.com. So Iv spent my time recently waiting for the slow dorm internet connection to download the episodes and it was worth the wait.

As I said long before I moved here, I was most likely going to start smoking again once I was all moved out. And as I said, I did. BUT Iv decided that as long as I'm smoking outside the bad things about cigarettes cancel with the good things about fresh air and all will be right with the world. I try not to smoke alone (smoking being a social function) but as long as I'm so much as on the phone with someone it counts.

For some time now Iv thought about sitting down and actually doing some real writing; book writing. What would it be about? It would really just be complete randomosity and stray ideas that pop into my head filled with words that aren't really words (such as randomosity, awkwardidity, and awesomonomy). I mean, how hard could it be to write a book? It's really just like a long blog post after all, and the only reason I don't write long blog posts is mainly because I tend to find really long posts tedious... as a matter of fact, this one is starting to get a bit long.
"Snow Blow" created by campus students here at my school
Photos of "Snow Blow" taken by my friend, Ryan.

(It's not really called "Snow Blow", that's just the humorous title I gave it.)

snakes

2007-02-26T19:10:00.000-06:00

Most of my weekend was spent drinking and hanging out with my new friend Nicole. I spent more time at her apartment than I did in my dorm room (which is good because it sucks in here).

I passed out sitting upright on her couch and my neck was paying for it in the morning.

For the first time ever I played Halo, and it's even easier that I thought it would be, I kicked ass! Ok, no I didn't... I was horrible and she totally kicked my ass. Granted of course I had been drinking, but so had she.

Also her and I watched the greatest movie ever made by a moral. Mother Fucking Snakes on a Mother Fucking Plane!!! It was by far the single best piece of cinema that I have ever seen and I would recommend it to anyone.

And because she brought me TacoBell at 12:30 in the AM she is quickly advancing up my list of people who match my awesomidity (and thats pretty mother fucking awesome... (but not as awesome as snakes on a plane...))
Iv noticed that when ever I go up steps that I always take two at a time. Maybe it's a metaphor for me trying to move up in my life faster than steps will allow me to go. Mostly it's because taking things one step at a time can be tedious so it's best to skip a couple...